We are born into the world by generations of sexual beings. From Tāne and Hineahuone through to our parents, whakapapa ties us together and provides space to see ourselves reflected in the generations before us, and generations to come. He momo tonu - true to form, we carry within us elements of our tūpuna in the fullness and diversity of their being. What is whakapapa? As Māori, whakapapa isn’t just family history. It encompasses our connections to tūpuna, whenua and whānau. Tane, one of the sons of Papatūānuku and Ranginui, is credited with creating the first human, a woman named Hineahuone. To give Hineahuone human life, he united the strands of ira atua and ira tangata and breathed life into her. Ira atua gave her a lineage from ātua and Ira tangata gave her a connection to future generations. Through Hineahuone, we inherit ira atua. Our whakapapa affirms our intrinsic value as the descendants of ātua. We also inherit ira tangata. Our whakapapa gives us significance, knowing we are special and belong unconditionally, through connections to past and future generations of our whānau. It can be hard being Māori Sometimes, racism and discrimination can make us feel like being Māori is bad. This isn't true! There is no one way of being Māori, and there are huge amounts of beauty, wisdom, joy and belonging to be found in our culture. Strengthening whakapapa Marae can be safe spaces to reconnect with whakapapa, reo and tikanga, that can help us to make meaning of who we are. They provide space where being Māori is comfortable, and our wellbeing is prioritised, but they aren't the only way to strengthen our whakapapa. Sometimes we may not be able to reconnect with our marae. Some people learn te reo Māori, connect through mahi toi, connect to te taiao or explore whānau connections. Connections to tūpuna and tūrangawaewae Connecting to our tūpuna can help validate us as descendants of people like us, who have faced similar challenges, and found ways through. We can learn from their journeys and the mātauranga or wisdom our tūpuna share with us. Learning their stories, and carrying with us the tools that we think would be helpful in our lives is a way to carry mātauranga through our whakapapa Connecting to our tūrangawaewae bring us into the spaces our ancestors used to be and can support our connection to them. These spaces can help us know that we belong, we are tangata whenua and we have a right to be ourselves in our own lands. These days many of us live in cities far away from the lands our ancestors roamed. Knowing our tūrangawaewae can connect us to the histories, lives and wairua of our tūpuna as we journey through different spaces in our lives. Dynamics of whanaungatanga Whanaungatanga are the things we do to make connections and strengthen our bonds with others in our community. Whanaungatanga gives us a safety net, help us work together, watch how people relate to others, and decide how we want to create relationships in our own lives. Validating our identities Knowing our whakapapa, our tūpuna, our tūrangawaewae and drawing on whanaungatanga can help us create our own pathways. Clearing space for us to be present and accepted within our whakapapa gives us space to be the expert in our own lives, exercise our mana, and choose what qualities and attributes can best serve us in different spaces, and into the future.
Whakapapa
Oriori were songs written for the birth of a child and sung to them as lullabies. They included descriptions of the environment at the time and place of birth. They also included the influence of atua, people who were present, and the attributes and qualities or gifts they imparted to the child to take with them. The meaning and intent behind the child’s name may also be revealed. People take oriori with them as a reminder of their uniqueness, potential, and the qualities and attributes they have inherited. Source – Munroe & Kohu Morgan (2006). Oriori A Lullaby. Go Tuatara Limited.
Oriori
Everyone is born with mana. Mana is the esteem we inherit at birth from our whakapapa to atua, tangata, and whenua. In our interactions with others, mana can be enhanced, nurtured, or strengthened. This might make us feel good. But we also need to be careful because others can strip, change, deplete, damage, or abuse our mana through their interactions with us. This might make us feel stink. It is important to notice the patterns of how we feel with different people because this can clue us into people are respecting our mana or not. Our mana can be strengthened by others who encourage us to use our voice to tell people about how we feel or give us support to realise our power to make decisions about our lives and enhance our sense of honour and authority. We can connect to our mana can through knowing who we are, where we come from, and why we are here.
Mana
Everyone is born with tapu. Tapu refers to the sacredness of our human lives, our bodies, interactions, and places. We can recognise the things that keep us safe and protected and set our boundaries as best we can. Tapu is often spoken about in relation to small elements of tikanga. For instance, it’s tapu to sit on the table because that can make us physically unwell. Our heads are tapu so it’s important to wear a helmet when are cycling in case we crash. Rahui are placed on an area when places become tapu to restrict people from accessing them, like when shellfish reserves are low and need to replenish to be available over a long term. There are some contexts where we automatically know what to do to protect ourselves. Some are more complex. Tapu can also be spoken about in relation to bigger aspects of tikanga. For instance, we might be under the protection of the atua in events like childbirth, warfare, or death. When we talk of tapu, we are talking about the spaces where we might be navigating unseen elements. Te whare tangata is tapu because it is the house of humanity, and the place where new life moves from te ao wairua into te ao mārama. As we become sexual beings we may get caught up in the joy of exploration rather than an awareness of our mana and tapu in relationships.
Tapu
Mātauranga Māori
In Ngāpuhi, people are often asked who they are through the phrase ‘ko wai koe?’ that literally translates to ‘from what waters do you descend?’ An understanding of who we are is informed by our relationships and connection to Aotearoa by the waka (canoe) our ancestors took to get here, our maunga (mountains), our moana (bodies of waters), and our ancestral and ongoing obligations in connection with iwi (tribe), hapū (sub-tribe) marae (ancestral meeting house), and tūpuna (primary ancestor). We understand the quality of our relationships with these objects, places and people through the notions of mana and tapu.
Ko wai koe?
Mātauranga Rohe
We often hear that gender and sexuality occur along a spectrum, but what does that mean? The easiest way to think of a spectrum is to think of a rainbow. We tend to think of them as separate colours so we can make sense of them, but really all of the colours blend seamlessly together. Sexuality and gender are the same. As a society, we notice the different qualities and attributes people have, but these differences aren't set in stone and can change over time or in different spaces. Gender and sexuality are also fluid, our tūpuna knew that over time we might change and grow into new ways of being and new ways of being attracted to one another. There is no right or wrong way to express your gender or sexuality. We are all unique and vibrant.
Spectrum
Tauiwi Knowledge
Mātauranga
about what it means to be you
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What it means to be you
Mātauranga
Mātauranga
The Top Tech Gifts
We are born into the world by generations of sexual beings. From Tāne and Hineahuone through to our parents, whakapapa ties us together and provides space to see ourselves reflected in the generations before us, and generations to come. He momo tonu - true to form, we carry within us elements of our tūpuna in the fullness and diversity of their being.
What is whakapapa?
As Māori, whakapapa isn’t just family history. It encompasses our connections to tūpuna, whenua and whānau. Tane, one of the sons of Papatūānuku and Ranginui, is credited with creating the first human, a woman named Hineahuone. To give Hineahuone human life, he united the strands of ira atua and ira tangata and breathed life into her. Ira atua gave her a lineage from ātua and Ira tangata gave her a connection to future generations.
Through Hineahuone, we inherit ira atua. Our whakapapa affirms our intrinsic value as the descendants of ātua. We also inherit ira tangata. Our whakapapa gives us significance, knowing we are special and belong unconditionally, through connections to past and future generations of our whānau.
It can be hard being Māori
Sometimes, racism and discrimination can make us feel like being Māori is bad. This isn't true! There is no one way of being Māori, and there are huge amounts of beauty, wisdom, joy and belonging to be found in our culture.
Strengthening whakapapa
Marae can be safe spaces to reconnect with whakapapa, reo and tikanga, that can help us to make meaning of who we are. They provide space where being Māori is comfortable, and our wellbeing is prioritised, but they aren't the only way to strengthen our whakapapa. Sometimes we may not be able to reconnect with our marae. Some people learn te reo Māori, connect through mahi toi, connect to te taiao or explore whānau connections.
Connections to tūpuna and tūrangawaewae
Connecting to our tūpuna can help validate us as descendants of people like us, who have faced similar challenges, and found ways through. We can learn from their journeys and the mātauranga or wisdom our tūpuna share with us. Learning their stories, and carrying with us the tools that we think would be helpful in our lives is a way to carry mātauranga through our whakapapa
Connecting to our tūrangawaewae bring us into the spaces our ancestors used to be and can support our connection to them. These spaces can help us know that we belong, we are tangata whenua and we have a right to be ourselves in our own lands. These days many of us live in cities far away from the lands our ancestors roamed. Knowing our tūrangawaewae can connect us to the histories, lives and wairua of our tūpuna as we journey through different spaces in our lives.
Dynamics of whanaungatanga
Whanaungatanga are the things we do to make connections and strengthen our bonds with others in our community. Whanaungatanga gives us a safety net, help us work together, watch how people relate to others, and decide how we want to create relationships in our own lives.
Validating our identities
Knowing our whakapapa, our tūpuna, our tūrangawaewae and drawing on whanaungatanga can help us create our own pathways. Clearing space for us to be present and accepted within our whakapapa gives us space to be the expert in our own lives, exercise our mana, and choose what qualities and attributes can best serve us in different spaces, and into the future.
Mātauranga
Matauranga Maori
Matauranga Maori
Identifying sexual coercion
Sometimes it can be hard to identify sexual coercion when we are experiencing it. In other sections of the website, we have spoken about colonial sexism, patriarchy and misogyny. We now should be able to recognise some of the double standards that shape our experiences of becoming sexual beings. Sometimes, the expectations and pressures of sexism can open us up to coercion. Like how we expect boys to always want sex, and expect girls to hold off on exploring sexual relationships. Girls can be coerced into sex because they’re expected to look after people and take care of their needs. Boys can be coerced into sex because they’re expected to always be keen. We are all vulnerable to being exploited by people who have more power than us.Coercion can look likepeople pressuring you to send nudes, asking for sex over and over again or threatening to break up with you if you don’t. Coercion can happen when people talk about your ‘reputation’ and assume you are always ‘keen’ for sex or ‘up for it.’ Coercion can happen when people give you alcohol to lower your defences so they can have sex with you. Or giving you gifts to make you feel guilty for not having sex with them. More extreme forms of coercion can involve people blackmailing others into having sex, or bargaining, threatening or intimidating them to push them into doing things they do not want.If something feels a bit off, your defences are being worn down, or you feel like you have to just give in, that sounds like coercion. If feel like you are not being listened to, respected, and the only choice you can make is to cave then someone is trying to take that choice away from you. That sounds like coercion.Coercion thrives when we don’t talk about it. We silence boys through expectations that any sex is good sex, and silence girls through social expectations to maintain a good reputation. The power dynamics that enable coercion can also stop us from talking about what is happening to us. When people have more power than we do, we might be less likely to be believed about what has happened to us, or have fewer resources to support us. There are always safe people or specialists who understand and can help us through this. If any of this content has resonates with your experiences and brings up some big feelings now or in the coming days, please seek help by talking to whānau or contact safetotalk.nz
What is coercion?
Coercion happens when we are pressured, convinced, or talked into doing things we might not fully want to do. Sometimes we do things we don’t want to do because it is part of looking after ourselves and other people. Like doing the dishes or cleaning up our room. But sometimes we might be pressured to do things for other people that could undermine our mana and tapu. Like when our mate hasn’t done their homework and expects us to give them our answers. Coercion often happens when there is an imbalance of power. This might be due to an age difference, gender difference, or access to resources. Maybe you might depend on someone for money or to sign your report card. Maybe you are really into someone who is not that into you. Sometimes we don’t realise we are being coercive because we are just doing what we have seen other people do. If we can see someone has put up a boundary and we are trying to get around it – that means we are the one being coercive. We know that our mana is strengthened when we strengthen the mana of those around us. But coercion happens when we utilise our power to influence someone rather than letting them choose for themselves. We are kaitiaki over our bodies and what they do, but we do not have the authority to use our power over other people’s bodies.
Relationship ethics
Starting a new relationship is a good time to figure out your relationship tikanga. There are many ways to show that you care for your partner. You might spend time and energy learning about them because you care about their life, their happiness and what they like and don’t like. You might do little things for them that let them know you are thinking about them when they are not around. What does it look like to be a good partner? What does it look like to show aroha & care for your partner? Part of caring for your partner and honouring their mana and tapu is being aware of the times they want to have sex, and the times they don’t. Some boys recognise the “vibe” their girlfriends are putting out when they don’t want to have sex, they might recognise when a“yeah, nah” really means “no, thank you.” Sometimes, not making eye contact, or gently pulling away can give us an indication that now is not the right time. Paying attention to your partner’s body language is just as important as being a good lover. After all, consent is given when we give a big, enthusiastic yes!Having sex can be fun, but also comes with responsibility. Meeting tapu ki tapu (or sacredness to sacredness) means keeping yourself and your partner safe too. This can mean always ensuring you use protection, getting tested, asking each other if you are enjoying what you’re doing and if you want to do anything differently.
Managing break-ups
With any relationship, we also need to be prepared for the possibility of breaking up. Breaking up is hard, whether we have initiated it or are the one who has been broken up with, there are lots of big feelings involved. Sometimes, we need to take a step back, to look at the relationship we have had, and the impact this has had on us and the people around us. Sometimes, it can be helpful to talk to each other about expectations following the break up. Do you want to remain friends? Do you want to stay away from each other? Are there things like intimate photos that need to be removed from each-others’ phones? These types of considerations are important to unpack from the get-go and can change how you experience your break up. Sometimes, we might have broken up with someone who was a very close friend and wish to maintain that friendship. Sometimes, we might have been harmed by the person we are breaking up with and need to assert boundaries and hold distance. There is no hard and fast rule with how to manage break ups, but when we have established relationship tikanga that prioritises the mana and tapu of all involved, we can bring that tikanga into break ups as well.
Relationship red-flags
Sometimes, we learn bad habits from friends, whānau, our communities, and the media we consume. Many of the “love stories” we learn about in mainstream media teach us terrible templates for relationships. We might have read about the romance of Romeo and Juliet, Harley Quinn and the Joker, or watched Edward and Bella in Twilight. We might be caught up in Sza’s Kill Bill, or in the drama of Nate and Maddy’s dynamic in Euphoria. All of these are examples of relationships where the mana and tapu of everyone involved are second to the whirlwind of attraction. We know we need to protect our mana and tapu in relationships, but what are some red flags we should look out for? Red flag #1! Media often idolizes isolation. The idea that you are so infatuated with someone who loves you so fiercely that they’re your whole world. It’s you and them against the rest of the world and nobody would ever understand. In reality, isolation can be a technique people use to cut us off from our support networks so their behaviour and control can go unchecked. Red flag #2! We are also shown examples of relationships where big displays of affection follow any little fight. Love bombing is what happens when you have a fight with someone, and they shower you in gifts rather than addressing what has happened. This can be used to minimize harmful things that have been said, or even to try and gaslight us when someone has been violent towards us. In real life, arguments happen. We might disagree with our partner on all kinds of things, and while it can be nice to be treated gently after an argument, we should be reconciling and communicating our way through challenges.
Ko te mauri, he mea huna ki te moana
The life force is hidden in the sea (Elder, 2020).
Powerful aspects of life are hidden in plain sight. You have more power than you realise!
In our lives today there are lots of cultural pressures to have sex or be in an intimate relationship. We sometimes see relationships on television where boys or men are the person who takes the lead. For girls and women that can make it confusing to figure out whether we/they want to have sex with someone, and sometimes that decision is taken away from us. Take a journey with us to learn more about relationship pressures.
On this page you can explore cornerstone concepts, knowledges, practices, values and pūrākau from Te Ao Māori about sexual violence. Pūrākau like these help us to understand the dynamics of mana and tapu, and how we relate, enrich or diminish one another. Concepts from Te Ao Māori are noted in purple, concepts from specific iwi are noted in green, and social justice concepts that relate to our lives as Māori are noted in yellow.
Puta ki te wheiao ki te ao mārama
Want to know more about relationship pressures?
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Puta ki te wheiao ki te ao mārama
Want to know more about relationship pressures?
Explore rangatahi pūrākau and enquiry questions that relate to relationship pressures
