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Rangatahi pūrākau

These pūrākau are from some of the rangatahi interviews. They address challenges that can arise in a journey to becoming a sexual being. Each is followed by enquiry questions taken from the research interviews, these are designed support you to reflect on how they relate to people, how unhelpful ideas about gender and sexuality can impact them, and how they can create new ways of being and becoming sexual.

Explore more rangatahi pūrākau that might be helpful guidance in a journey to becoming a sexual being.

Toni's Story

Toni had been dating their partner for about 6 months, who was about 4 years older than them. Their partner knew heaps about the world and introduced them to new and exciting things Toni had only heard about from their older cousins. He was so charming, he showered her in gifts and made Toni feel like the most important person in the world. Toni fell head over heels. Toni thought they were in love, but felt a bit uncomfortable about how much their life had changed in such a short space of time and started to notice a few red flags. Within 6 months, they’d quit school and moved in with their partner. Toni’s partner started to become overbearing, acting as though they were Toni’s parent –telling Toni what they could or couldn’t do, what they could or couldn’t say, demanding to know where Toni was every minute of every day, and taking away their keys if Toni didn’t do as told. Toni’s parents had warned them about domestic violence, and the red flags that start with isolation and control. The other night, Toni’s partner punched a hole in the wall while they were arguing about Toni wanting to visit a friend.

  • Sometimes, we end up in situations and don’t see a way out.

  • How would you support Toni in this situation?

  • How do we find our way back to whānau when we’ve put distance between ourselves and them?

  • How do you think these kinds of situations might change how we understand ourselves and our worthiness of being loved and cared for?

  • What do you do when things start getting out of control?

Jess's Story

Jess desperately wanted a partner because all her brothers and sisters had one. A friend of her older sister’s boyfriend was being nice to them and they started to go out. Sex was just something that happened. Jess’ new partner didn’t even ask if it was something they wanted to do, but often after he’d taken her out to fancy places it felt like she had to do her part. Jess didn’t know what to think about that. Sometimes sex was fun, but sometimes she didn’t like the places their partner took them to, or the people who were around them when they had sex. Jess was also worried she might get pregnant, because she hadn’t had her period since they started going out.

  • How might Jess’ situation be shaped by coercion without her recognising it?

  • How might our expectations around relationships shape what we are willing to put up with or not?

  • How do we stand up for ourselves when we aren’t enjoying what we’re doing?

Alex's Story

Alex met up with a person they’d been DMing on social media and had seen them around school. They were really excited about getting to know this person offline and finding out whether or not they were compatible. Alex was so nervous. Because they wanted to impress this person, they said yes to whatever they wanted. Before Alex knew it, they were saying yes to sex acts they never would have considered otherwise. They found it hard and scary, so had to get drunk before they had sex.

  • Why might it be really hard to recognise coercion sometimes?

  • How might figuring out your relationship tikanga with a partner from the get go support you in discovering what you like and don’t like?

  • How might relationship tikanga help ensure we are having mutually enjoyable sex?

Pat's Story

Pat has always been happy doing what their same-gender peers are doing, but recently some of the conversations about becoming sexual beings makes them uncomfortable. It feels like everyone is having their first kiss or exploring sex, and they feel left out of something new and exciting. Sometimes they wonder if people will think they are cool and their friends will like them more if they do that too.

  • What pressures are there in your peer group to start exploring relationships?

  • How might this be different for boys, girls, and takataapui?

  • How do you hold onto what you want when this might be different from what your friends say?

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