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Pip & Maia
It is a hard thing to see yourself.
Not as others see you, or as you would like to be- but as you are.
It is hard to stop blaming. Wanting it to be someone else’s fault.
Harder still is to forgive yourself for not knowing, not being better somehow.
Hardest yet is to love yourself, just as you ARE.
All these things I have endeavoured to do
because I could see the harm I was passing on to the most important person in my life because I couldn’t do these things. My daughter.
Pre-Maia, my poetry saved my life more than once. Giving me a voice when I felt like I had none.
I share this, because I hope to encourage others to find theirs.
The book of poetry has been a lifetime in the making. It has taken many forms. I have written it since I was a child. I have been trying to share it since I was 27 years old. My dear friend Ani created images that accompany our writing many years ago. She gave up ever thinking this would come to be.
But I had to be a mother first. I had to know what it is like to see my daughter struggle in a similar way I have struggled DESPITE my EVERY effort for it to be different for her. For life to be a joy from the start. To protect her from the pain of betrayal, abandonment, heartbreak, loss, abuse and more. I failed. And as I have listened to her over the years, to her, I have been the source of many of these sufferings.
I had to know what it feels like to watch someone you love more than you can love yourself,
hurting and wanting to die, attempting to die, hurting herself in the most horrible of ways… the unique suffering and helplessness that only a mother can feel when she can do nothing to stop it…
Face the long, seemingly endless nights afraid. Alone. Feel that heartache deep in your soul when you hug your baby goodbye and wonder if you will ever see them again…
So you do what you can do. You heal herself. Examine the deepest darkest wounds. Tread where angels would fear to tread. And then do it all over again. Because wait… there’s more…
And because wait… she’s worth it… because YOU’RE worth it.
Get up every day to be there for your child. Even if your best is not good enough for them. Even if they tell you they hate you. Even if others judge you to be a ‘bad mother’.
Knowing that perhaps this is the greatest gift YOU can give. To keep rising every day, to be born again. Be given another chance to do the very best you can. Because I have learnt, this is all we can do.
To eventually show up for YOURSELF.
THIS is how we heal the world.
Be the very best you can be- your story is not over yet…
Arohanui xx
Poetry Samples
Phillipa & Maia Pehi –
Artist statement
What an absolute joy to create a book of poetry with my daughter Maia.
And my girl makes me so very proud. To see her blossom. To read her powerful and oh so poignant and raw and honest words. To be moved by her courage and fierce loving spirit that no-one has been able to quench.
Ah now that is EVERYTHING.
Te Whetu Marama.
A beautiful kuia at her kohanga gave Maia this name. And so she is.
The simple fact is: I wouldn’t be here today to write these words had Maia not come into my life. I have felt a strong and unrelenting need to ‘go home’ ever since I can remember. I have experienced a lot of my life as painful and unbearable- a burning and unrelenting pain from within. I just wanted it to end. I have felt that I belong nowhere. I have felt that I am not good enough, never good enough… for anyone.
But then… I wouldn’t be experiencing this time in my life. This time when mostly I feel at peace. In love with myself and with life. And this with a first-hand experience of some of the worst that life has to offer, and an awareness of the many challenges we face as humanity- many that we have brought upon ourselves.
And yet I have hope. I don’t dare not to be hopeful. For our children’s sake. And their children’s sake.
My love for my daughter has been my bridge back to myself. Learning to love her, has helped me to learn how to love myself. What greater gift is there?